Vying for Control – 5 Common “Chinese Girlfriend Problems”

Vying for Control – 5 Common “Chinese Girlfriend Problems”
Sep 22, 2016 By Steve Allison , eChinacities.com



Photo: glimpse.org

So, you're in trouble with your girlfriend again. Odds are, if you've been in a relationship with a Chinese girl, you've said or done something at least once that had you suddenly apologizing profusely, with your best Chinese, to a locked door, a stone face, or into a cell phone. There may have even been some shouting about how Westerners don't understand Chinese culture or have as much love for their families either. An argument with a girlfriend or wife is never pleasant, but interracial relationships in China have a few unique issues, compounded by the fear that these unexpected reactions may be part of a greater campaign to bring you under her thumb.

Of course an irrational fear that your sweetheart is in fact trying to control you is sure to produce unwanted conflict in the relationship, and plenty of perfectly reasonable issues can generate problems when integrating two cultural traditions in something as significant and love and marriage. Still, a Western husband can be something of a prize for Chinese families who think a foreign passport is a meal ticket out of the country and into a carefree life of luxury. So how can you tell if your new squeeze is a regular Chinese girl or plotting to turn you into her personal ATM? The trick is to keep in mind that, although things might have to change out of respect for each other's cultures, some things really are crossing the line.

1) Who's in charge of the money?
The Chinese and English speaking worlds see few things more differently than money. A culture of thrift, years of living in uncertain times, and an inadequate social welfare system have created a nation that stresses saving and rationing money to a degree not seen in the West. The carefree spending habits of an American who makes four times an average Chinese salary but seems to spend it all on pizza, beer, and Chinglish T-shirts can cause extreme discomfort to someone accustomed to tightly managing money, and fair compromise means cutting back on some of those things.

Making an effort to save more money can actually be a positive change, but it should be mutually agreed upon and reflect each person's contribution to the household. Some beleaguered husbands complain about turning their monthly salaries over to their wives and getting a monthly allowance (100 RMB a day is popular, as well as 25% of the salary). A common excuse cited by the Chinese wife is that the decadent Westerner is inadequate at saving compared to a rational, experienced Chinese saver. A real partner should have faith that you can decide your own level of involvement in managing the household, and only take over with your consent: anyone who continually questions your budgetary competence may be just looking for an excuse to wrest control of the checkbook. Just as you should be willing to compromise with her, she should be willing to discuss financial issues on even ground.

2) "Buy me an apartment"
Probably the biggest conflict that arises in long-term relationships with Chinese girls is the ultimate demand to buy a house for marriage. Not all girls ask their husbands to buy houses for them, but it is often expected in Chinese culture and every girl receives some pressure from friends and family to push for the highest level of (material) commitment possible between two people – investing in real estate together. In fact, there is an increasing trend in modern Chinese society to express success and status through material means, and it is not uncommon for a foreign boyfriend to receive a request for an iPad, new cell phone, or even a car.

While such demands are not necessarily out of the question, it's good to keep in mind that no reasonable girlfriend would ask for such a large show of a monetary commitment, unless she was getting a lot of grief from her parents, co-workers, and friends. A thoughtful and considerate request should reflect your real financial means (it's not OK for her to assume your parents have money and will buy you a house), and include your interests and ambitions.

That being said, if you're planning on going back home, considering moving to another city, or have more pressing financial matters, asking you to buy a house is likely more out of concern for her own needs than yours. She should not ask you to buy and iPad if you have to buy a plane ticket home for Christmas. Likewise, she should not ask you to put a down payment on a house while you've still got student loans. Conversely, if you've got a comfortable job and can dedicate to many more years of living in China, then perhaps it's not so out of the question for your significant other to suggest settling down in a place of your own. Her demands from you should take your situation into account. 

3) "Aren't you tired of that job?"
Such considerations should extend to your job as well. Many foreign residents came to China specifically for a particular job, and are content with their working situation. For some ambitious and money-driven Chinese workers, however, advancement is a crucial part of developing a career, and they expect frequent promotions or even a change of job. This can lead to another potential source of conflict: insisting that you ask for a raise, work more hours, or look for a new job.

Again, determining whether or not your girlfriend is trying to control you depends on how much she has considered your desires into suggesting you change your job. One hapless teacher left a comfortable university job on his girlfriend's advice, only to be told to move again and again after a few months. If you're comfortable with your work situation, and your girlfriend still keeps insisting you get a job with a higher salary, it's likely that she's more concerned with how much money she can get out of you than your own well-being.

4) "All my friends are getting married…"
It's probably true that Chinese girls get more pressure from their parents to get married than Western girls, but it's important to remember that women incessantly nagging their boyfriends to tie the knot is a common occurrence the world over. Just because your steady girl of several years keeps asking you when she can expect a ring, doesn't mean she's a control freak. This decision, however, should only come after carefully considering whether you're really ready to commit and start a family.

If, after a short time together, she's already telling you that her mother thinks you need to get married or break up, but refuses to discuss tough issues like where to settle, how to get a visa, and what schools to go to, you might just have a control freak on your hands. It is unreasonable to assume that a university-educated foreigner would stay teaching English in the same provincial city just because his girlfriend lives there. Even traditional Chinese parents can understand practical considerations like where and when you want to raise children.

5) "You just wouldn't understand"
One issue common to expats is not knowing whether a seemingly unreasonable behaviour is acceptable in the local culture. Some, taking advantage of this insecurity, try to convince people to do what they feel is wrong by suggesting they are simply unaware of deep-seated customs. An accusation that you don't understand Chinese culture should never be used as an excuse to push you into something you don't want to do. It should not be the end of a conversation, but the beginning of one.

There is no issue in a relationship, cross-cultural or otherwise, that cannot be resolved by both parties with sufficient discussion. Both of you should be willing to put in the time to work through your problems, and make sacrifices if necessary. All relationships need give and take from both parties regardless of cultural background. Fair compromise is a key to every good and long lasting relationship no matter where you are in the world. 

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Keywords: cross-cultural relationships Chinese girls Chinese girlfriend problems

20 Comments

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Miriambrian

My name is Miriam from USA, My man is back with the help of a great Dr Mack who helped me cast a spell that brought my man back to me in just 3 days. my lover left me and my family for unknown reason and now he is back, once again I want to thank Dr Mack for his wonderful spell, am now a happy woman. you can contact the great spell caster on his email: dr.mac@yahoo. com

Feb 20, 2017 04:48 Report Abuse

Guest14237834

This is my 2 cents on all this: Here is why I DON'T let me Chinese wife manage our money: 1) The Chinese idea of "saving" is putting money in a current account that barely generates interest, and just looses value due to inflation. I don't think that qualifies as being financially savvy. 2) There is no such thing as a shared account in China that. This is common in the West. You have a shared account and both can easily access it. So why would you hand over everything, then to just always beg for money when you need something. This is simply not healthy for your relationship. And that counts both ways btw. 3) Bonus: I have a financial degree, so I just laughed when she told me women are better at managing... Why I refuse to buy a house in China: 1) They are overvalued, massively overvalued. High price and poor build quality... 2) You cannot own it as a foreigner, it will always only be in the Chinese partners name. (Not in both names like for a Chinese couple.) 3) You only get it for 70 years... I mean c'mon, wtf. 4) You can buy a better house in Europe for 1/4 the price of here in China yet still get the same rent revenue as in China. And as a bonus, you own it forever! Overall, my wife is reasonable though, and we manage together, and are able to talk about all this, but it took some time, rational calm discussions and explaining each of our point of view while the other listened and was open to the other. I've had girlfriends before who were more pushy. Just kicked them out and told them if they wanted a little bitch ATM, they should just date a Chinese. (I look forward to ignorant comments from locals telling me I am "wrong".

Sep 26, 2016 11:54 Report Abuse

Guest14276540

Somali pirates of the East. The bigger the ship the better, it is so easy and there are no laws against it so there are no incentives to stop pillaging.

Sep 22, 2016 19:48 Report Abuse

kaitangsou

Men who marry Chinese women are suckers for suffering, simple as that...waaaay better just fly the hour over to Philippines and then you are in a land of gorgeous, feminine females who really know how to care about their menfolk...

Mar 16, 2015 02:52 Report Abuse

Guest14237834

Philippine women are equally abusive and they look like trolls

Sep 26, 2016 11:56 Report Abuse

sanders

I don't think any woman woman should go around shouting at her man later saying its her way of expressing her love, my Chinese gf tried that once and i dealt with her properly, let her know where her anger ends that's where yours begin ,if she does that again warn her and shout at her seriously , she shouldn't take your leniency for granted. By not retaliating she thinks u weak. My gf never raises her voice anymore. Anyway it also depends on your age difference.

Jan 25, 2014 01:24 Report Abuse

Kiwi

Yes, it does pay to have an understanding about these matters PRIOR to depening any relationship. Once money issues come up, you're already in a fairly damn serious relationship whether you like it or not!

It might pay, if your lady is amenable, to set common goals and work out how you achieve it/them together. If your lady is not amenable to contributing, then you show her the door, for sure.

Some people need to be reminded that there's no such thing as a "free ride", and as an earlier post said, love doesn't necessarily mean stupid!

Jun 29, 2012 15:40 Report Abuse

amazed

"not allowed to whistle tunes or sing to myself,etc." OMG..how friggin stupid and ridiculous!!!!!!!!! That sounds like a MAJOR CONTROL FREAK!!!!!! :( You made the RIGHT decision bro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) I'm surprised that you were allowed to breathe or drink some water.

Jun 29, 2012 18:51 Report Abuse

Alex

You know ... I have a friend with a Chinese girlfriend that includes all the characteristics mentioned in this article ... and it does matter how many times other friends and I have told him to be careful. He just thinks that his girlfriend is not the rule, but the exception.

Bottom line: love is deaf, blind ... and stupid!

Jun 29, 2012 03:47 Report Abuse

jknox00

My wife is a control freak. Yes, of course she is Chinese. Never mind I already owned a house. She found out that other Chinese wives moved here to better homes. So now, to ensure she saves face, she is on a campaign of shaming me, hen-pecking, crying, humiliating and invoking 'sa jiao' on a constant 24/7 cycle.
You might think she is happy she gets 100% control over bills and bank accounts but that means she gets to go into hyper-anxiety being able to see the expenses. Oh god.. the money!
It never ends.
One thing that might have been a #6 in this article. Well, maybe even a #2 (after money) is what most westerners would deem near-psychotic jealousy.
Does your girlfriend/wife go into a red-blurring psychotic rage because you just so happened to be talking to ANY other woman within a 20 year age range of yourself? Even if the woman is working at a Help Desk and is the only person you could talk to for directions?
Then she is probably Chinese.
I might even add a #7: Does your wife spend outrageous lengths of time shopping yet buying nothing? Well that might be any woman but if its been 6 hours and involved dozens of epic 'negotiations' and still NO item purchased?
Then she just might be Chinese!
Shang Di have mercy on us all. What have we done. What have we done.

Jun 28, 2012 17:48 Report Abuse

Kiwi

Hehehe, I know about the jealousy thing as well as the shopping one.

I was fortunate enough to have known, and loved a most beautiful person here in China. She was gorgeous, educated and damned smart!
She wasn't after money, although I let her control it, within limits. SHe managed the house well, did the shopping and the cooking. I did the working and the housework. To us, that arrangement was equitable although some here may think not.

WRT jealousy, yes, I was subjected to that. I taught in a training centre where the students were adults. Pat of the job is to engage your students and sometimes, that means getting them to break of the heir "box" and feel comfortable enough to join in. Apparently, this meant flirting, or so my ex told me. Any explanation to the contrary wasn't tolerated
I wasn't allowed female friends and if I was a tiny bit late home, I was walked back over my route and timed. Any discrepancies were a launch platform for a tirade of truly epic proportions! The fact that I walked home when the streets were crowded with shop assistants etc going home was overlooked, even when explained.
It was, however, ok for her to have male friends. No, she didn't "play" around on me as that wasn't her way. I could trust her completely with the money/household affairs and also, with her male friends. It was just a bit exasperating when I couldn't have friends of the opposite gender.

WRT shopping: After completing a rather lucrative summer job once, we went to Beijing Lu in GZ. We spent an entire day there, which, to me is a damned disgraceful waste of time. I did, however, follow dutifully and pay dutifully as we're wont to do. What I didn't like is that I was traipsed through pretty much all of the shops along that fabled shopping mecca and at the end of the day, most of the things she bought came from the first damned shop we went to! This was after trying on pretty much everything that caught her eye.
From then on, I went with her if she said she wanted clothes, I chose what she'd wear and I determined how long it took. I discovered that she didn't mind this. It wasn't a control issue. It was a time issue. Shopping cuts into my valuable R n R and tsingtao time....we won't mention the money too much except to say, I wonder if many of us have had the experience where our lad is ok to spend 800 kuai/month on face creams and so on but gets in a "tizz" when we spend 50 kuai on a few cold beers after a hot and hard day working.
Anyone else have this problem?

Did she control me? Well, in a way yes, but I also controlled her in other ways. My word was final and NO meant just that: NO! I seldom used this word in order to not dilute it's effectiveness but once used, that was it.
She was the same in other ways with me.

All in all, it was a lovely time with intense arguments followed by intense "make up" sessions. I'd walk through the door, in the evenings to the aroma of my food being cooked (yes, she got recipes for things I liked online and even though she didn't like it, she made it anyway) and her singing while she was cooking.
My experience with this lovely person may not have been typical. I was her first relationship and this being so, I could gently steer her in the right direction in many things.
I let her make her own mistakes, usually after advising her. She could then pick herself up and dust herself off after learning that I'm not stupid just because I like tsingtao. She also knew that if the problem was too big for her to handle, I'd be right there to help, no matter what!

I loved her then and love her now, even though she has been gone for a while. We were equals, we never had a single argument over cultural issues because we respected each others own ways and compromised on them.
If we argued, it was over tsingtao vs face cream, or Taiwan vs the US etc (a subject I learned very quickly to steer clear of since the sofa was so damned uncomofratable to sleep on!)

In summary, except for the face cream/tsingtao issue, I was blissfully happy and I hope that those who roundly condemn Chinese women get to experience the other side of the equation.

Good luck to you on that!

Jun 28, 2012 18:44 Report Abuse

Kev

Hi David,

Well, I'd say that you got the short end of the stick mate! While I understand face, your wife should have to understand that, in our countries, it isn't as important as being happy with what you are, where you are and who you are.
She needs to learn that she cannot project Chinese cultural values into another country. She can retain her own cultural identity, that's no big deal really, but, she has to realise that Aussie isn't China and she can't expect things there to suit her. She has to also realise that it is she who must conform to Australian ways, not vice versa. As I said, this doesn't mean she must give up on her Chinese cultural identity but, it sounds like she wants to have the cake and eat it too.
I'd bet, that when in China, you have to conform to her way of doing things...and that's only fair I guess because it is her country. In Australia, if she's mature enough, she should figure out; "waitaminute, this isn't China, I can't act like a petulant spoiled child and demand everything. I am here because I love my man and I want to be with him, not his bank account or what he can get/give me in material pssessions". Sadly, it sounds like she doesn't see things this way.

I'd sit her down and talk to her and point out that Aussie isn't China...d'oh, and that things are different there. Tell her that you love her and want to have a wonderful life with her and hopefully that she'll realise that living in the country doesn't carry the negative social stigma that it does back in China.

Whatever happens, good luck mate!

Kiwi.

Jun 28, 2012 17:13 Report Abuse

Googles

First of all, what is your wife's problem with living in the country? You've spent $75,000.00 as you mentioned! Would she rather be living in some sh****le in China? :( Regarding the bullying and bossing around..that IS NOT love! That is a bunch of nonsense. :(

Jun 28, 2012 17:18 Report Abuse

disagree

"foreign men don't have face." Typical arrogant comment. Nonsense! :(

Jun 29, 2012 18:44 Report Abuse

crimochina

if you use money to attract women, or you only meet women in bars you will have these problems.

life is easier than it looks, make it clear from the very beginning what you expect, what you are willing to do, and what you will not do. make them understand that the relationship hinges on these things and you will not comprise. if she in anyway tries manipulates you into buying something for her, throw out the idea of marriage. sadly it seems many expats come here with now real dating experience or are simply thrown off by the beautities they are able to attract and become easily P-whipped..

Jun 28, 2012 15:56 Report Abuse

Felix1366

Oh I know that story, same happened to me.

Jan 01, 2015 00:01 Report Abuse

DaqingDevil

Does she love me if her first three questions are:
"How old are you?"
"How much do you earn?"
"Do you like China?"

Jun 28, 2012 14:22 Report Abuse

mohas

i feel these all are reasonable questions to ask. every girl wants happy and better life with one that she choose..........

Jun 28, 2012 20:14 Report Abuse